Intro
Why aren’t you married yet? This question has been playing in my mind for a while now, I heard this comment made from one female to another, the female asking the question was an older woman and the female being asked the question was in her early 20’s.
Today there are more opportunities and ways for people to meet than ever before, so shouldn’t it be easier to find a suitable partner.? Or is it because there are so many choices that we cannot make up our minds? are we afraid of missing out on finding someone better? Is it FOMO?
The first and most logical explanation of why the younger woman is not married is simply because she has not been asked by someone. Below I take a look at some of the reasons that might be, from the perspective of the older woman, the younger woman, and men. I have based my thoughts on a traditional relationship between a man and a woman to keep it less complicated.
The older woman
Let’s start with the question that the older woman asked, why would she ask that question of the younger woman?
Does she not understand today’s challenges of dating and a woman having to juggle a career, family and everything in between? Is it because she sees how beautiful and amazing the younger woman is, and is in pure disbelief that no man has swept her off her feet yet?
Was she comparing the younger woman to herself? Times have changed.
The younger woman
Being young is surely an advantage with youthful looks on her side compared to an older woman. Is it because she hasn’t found the right man to marry? But then what is the right man? A good man could mean different things to different women, a mixture of physical and personal traits. Does the man have a job? Maybe she is looking for a man that has a similar or higher status to her in society? Are all the good men taken? Is she prepared to marry a man who has an addiction?
Maybe it’s the way she looks or dresses? Is she not pretty enough? Is she too pretty? A lot of young men are terrified of women, they can become paralysed, unable to leave their seat and put a sentence together, and the terror exists in precise proportion to their attraction to the woman. Why terrified? They are terrified of rejection. Rejection of what? The rejection that their genetic makeup is not adequate to reproduce offspring.
Could it be that there are some underlying psychological issues, perhaps the younger woman was in an abusive relationship before, maybe she had received unwanted sexual advances and harassment? Was she heartbroken when the man she was dating left her for another woman and is trying to understand what went wrong and not make the same mistake twice?
Maybe it’s her religion or beliefs, maybe she is looking for someone who shares the same values. What values are important? Trust, communication, and loyalty?
Maybe it’s the man’s mother or family that she doesn’t like, looking at the man’s family she sees what her future might become, or what her potential husband might turn into based on his parent’s behaviors and interactions.
The Men
Let’s talk about the men, why hasn’t a man asked the younger woman for marriage?
Is it because they fear commitment or long-term relationships? Are they trying to figure out what type of woman they would like to spend the rest of their life with (playing the field), or are they more interested in pursuing their career than settling down?
Are they too immature? Are they more interested in computer games, sport, and cars? Maybe they do not believe in marriage and don’t understand the importance?
Is it because they know that if they if decide to marry and have a family they know how quickly their lives can turn upside down with a divorce after hearing stories from other men or from seeing their own parents go through a divorce? Do they not want to have kids, perhaps they don’t want to bear the responsibility for raising another person in society.?
Maybe he can’t afford a decent engagement ring that is worthy of her. Maybe he is saving up for 3 months of pay for the engagement ring, and it is taking longer than he expected.
I have read a few comments on people’s views from other articles on what the cost of an engagement ring should be. Some people say that the price of the ring should not matter and that it’s the principal. I agree to some extent, but then I thought about it some more, and I thought well if you are going to spend 3 months’ pay on an engagement ring you are probably going to take the decision a bit more seriously because you don’t want to do that twice or three times over, it just doesn’t make economic sense, more so if you include the cost of a divorce both financially and emotionally.
Conclusion
Not everyone believes in marriage now. A lot of people undervalue marriage and how important it is to maintain, the social impacts on a broken and failed marriage have significant ripple effects in society, more so if children are involved.
So what should a young woman be looking for today in a Man? Well, that might depend on what she wants from a relationship, does she want to be a traditional wife and be a stay at home mum and raise a family. Does she want to follow her dreams of a career in industry X and travel the world without children? Does she want a career and a family? How does that work in society today?
Based on Maslow theory (not the best theory as it’s not necessarily in order from bottom to top) women and men have to ensure that they have the basic needs to survive before moving up the Maslow hierarchy to find love. A woman may choose an older man based on Maslow theory (an older man may already be independent with the basic needs met), but what happens now, when there are more women in the workforce? If women are able to provide the basics for themselves does it mean they won’t have children or worry about finding a suitable mate until later in life? Some women may choose to have children on their own, which is already happening. Will we see more women proposing to men in the future?
What I thought was going to be something easy to write about turned out to be much more complex once you go beneath the surface. I hope that you all have meaningful and happy relationships, there will be challenges and suffering and everything in between but that’s life.